He calls the Unqualified

I still cringe a little when I think about that day some 20+ years ago. 

As a 19-year-old in the early days of my journalism degree, I’d just sat down for my Features Writing class with around 20 other students.

My Tutor (also Head Lecturer) gave us a surprise, spontaneous five-minute task. Write about the person sitting next to you without asking a question.

Now, some context here: I wasn’t confident in writing. My goal was to find a job as a TV Lifestyle News Reporter and travel the world (another story for another time). I’d read that a Journalism degree was the path to take, so there I was. But a distinct lump in my throat started to grow about the task at hand.

Everyone–so it seemed during my frantic sweep across the classroom–got to writing, Heads down with pens dancing across their notebooks. 

The person sitting next to me was a friend of a friend; a friendly acquaintance. He was one of only two males in this classroom (and six in the Journalism cohort that year) among all-female students, Lecturers and Tutors. And, he was already scribbling something down in his notebook.

My mind was racing, desperately trying to grasp something I could use to create markings upon the bare notebook pages that seemed to judge me every passing moment I stared at them. 

‘Ok, what do I know about Jerry* without asking him?
‘What is something I could write about?’ I worryingly wondered. 

I had two minutes left; perhaps closer to one.

“Can the Rapture come now?”

Deciding something obvious would be my best option in a time crunch, I tried to convey it was hard to miss spotting Jerry in the room given it was a female-dominated class. 

Time was up. And then another surprise from my Tutor. 

Everyone has to read aloud their piece, she said. 

As I sunk further into my chair, I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole. Something like Numbers 16:31-33. I already knew it wasn’t great work. But now everyone would hear it, too. 

I don’t remember any other class pieces being read out, nor what they wrote. My mind zoned into panic-and-distracted-and-ready-to-fake-a-medical-emergency mode. 

Wishing we’d run out of time, I then heard her call out Jerry’s and my name. 

Jerry went first and wrote something….wonderful.

No, not wonderful about me, to clarify. He wrote of my notebook being pristine—no scraggly-torn edges in sight— and alluded to a perfectionist tendency.

Now, maybe he wasn’t wrong in his evaluation. Can’t a girl have a clean and tidy notebook and her pens lined up just so? But it didn’t help when I was already sinking deep in my seat.

Well, the Tutor loved it! She may have even clapped. Certainly, she smiled. And with a nodding approval and looking at him proudly she announced what an outstanding example it was. 

If not the earth opening up, I thought this was a good moment for the Rapture to occur.

What had just happened?

Then my time came. Lacking all confidence, already feeling judged and inadequate, I mustered the voice to read my piece aloud.

And then….cue the class humiliation. 

My Tutor gave a brief laugh, while some classmates followed her. Jerry was chuckling like I had revealed some big secret.

What had just happened?

Well, it turns out that my Tutor inferred from my piece and shared with all that I had a crush on Jerry because I wrote of him being unmissable in the classroom.

What I had naively intended and poorly communicated to be some obvious rendering of the setting Jerry was in, maybe even a comment on the profession and future of journalism–for lack of anything better to write–somehow translated into my love interest for him. 

It felt like the worst day ever. Along with that anguishing outcome, my Tutor said there was much room for improvement in my writing. 

When doubt & defeat take a seat at your table

I escaped the class as soon as she dismissed us. Heading straight home, I wallowed in misery and self-pity, never wanting to return.

The thought of another career choice crossed my mind. I strongly considered finding a monastery and becoming a monk where I wouldn’t have to speak to anyone for years.

But I couldn’t think of anything else I wanted to pursue. And if I didn’t finish this course, I would have a huge university bill and no future…or so I thought. No other career options (not even the monastery job idea) seemed viable.

So I persisted. and by His Spirit leading–because He knows how to weave all things for good–I returned to the class.

Not surprisingly, Jerry was no longer a classmate I would sit next to. I’d explained to him my piece was completely misinterpreted, and I had struggled to write something. Jerry was unconvinced. He’d tell anyone who’d listen that I’d expressed my greatest affection for him.

Side note: it is quite ridiculous and funny in hindsight. Plus I’d also met my now husband and we had begun courting. But it was all a distressing mixup at the time. 

I wrote my final assessment a few months later, a magazine feature article, and handed it in. My Tutor gave high praise and a Distinction grade for my work, selecting it as one of three articles from my cohort that would be published in the University magazine.

But let me tell you something:
that vindication of sorts did nothing to stem the crashing tide of thoughts that I was a hopeless writer. And that I’d never be good at it.

Even though I completed my degree and immediately got a job in a corporate setting as an in-house journalist, followed by a long career in big companies as a corporate communications professional writing business stories, the doubts of inadequacy were sticky. They clung tightly to the edges of my self-belief and liked to pop up each time I submitted my writing.

GOD’S POWER MADE PERFECT

The enemy is experienced at flinging mud that sticks. He likes to point out your flaws and weaknesses, remind you of your shortcomings and press play on a soundtrack of how you’ll never measure up or make it. 

But God turns even excruciating experiences, for good. He always makes it for good because that’s who He is: a Good Redeemer.

I firmly believe and can trace His hand through my storied journey since. He had this moment of time now–and all the ones in between and to come–in mind, and continues to work it all out for good…

Where my failures reveal more of His glory in my story. 
Where my humiliation and His holiness intersect because He is everything I need.
Where my weakness is the ground for His Power made perfect.
Where I become less and He becomes greater. 

He makes a path in a wilderness when we cannot see a way forward, nor have the strength to move on; because failures don’t disrupt God’s plan for your future.

Reflecting since that learning curve in 2002, I’ve written many pieces in a paid capacity (hallelujah!). And, working as a Writer and Assistant Editor on a global Christian magazine, along with several ‘hard news’ stories being published by local and national newspapers, has been a blessing and privilege.

That’s not the outcome I expected as I rushed out of that university classroom in 2002. 

Of all the writing I’ve done to date, though, this is what I consider to be the best opportunity and joy: to write and share of His goodness and the wonder of His Word, particularly over the last two to three years here and on Instagram. 

GO WITH GRACE

If you’re at the start (or even middle) of something and feeling less than qualified, remember He is for you and goes before you.

Meditate on these Scriptures and be reminded of His good plans and good grace for you every step of the way. By the way, I share more about what it means linguistically (in Hebrew) and practically to “meditate” on His Word in the July SUNNY SIDE UP Devotional (more of that below).

The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.

Psalm 37:23 NLT

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

JOSHUA 1:9 ESV

Therefore, holy brothers and sisters, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, whom we acknowledge as our apostle and high priest.

HEBREWS 3:1 NIV

The story continues (and you’re invited to join me!)

Some 20 years since that humiliating day, this unqualified and once laughed-at writer has the honour of stringing words together to point back to Jesus. Because He is worthy of all the best words we have and know of, even in our finite language. 

And now it is a great honour to weave words of His wonder and remind you of His passion for you in my monthly SUNNY SIDE UP Devotional. 

SUNNY SIDE UP is a new monthly email subscription to dive further into His Word and know His heart and promises for us. Its purpose is to cultivate deep roots and understanding in your faith, with a Bible-centred and focused Devotional with Journal prompts and accompanying printable artwork. 

I encourage you to join me in cultivating your faith further with a monthly SUNNY SIDE UP issue. Laboured over with great intention to deepen your relationship with Jesus, each monthly theme serves to make known His power and promises to you in a refreshingly beautiful way.  

A perfect next step from the monthly Inbox Sunshine email edition, SUNNY SIDE UP equips and encourages you from His Word in preparation for Jesus’ Coming.